ZOURNAL
Onchain news. 100% true, 0% serious. Coined on Zora, because headlines deserve to be onchain.
Pump.fun's New Chat Feature: Making Bad Decisions More Social
Solana's meme coin casino, Pump.fun, has unveiled its most anticipated social feature yet: a built-in chat system that lets degens coordinate their financial mishaps in real-time. The platform claims this new 'community-driven catastrophe' approach will revolutionize how traders collectively lose money.
"We noticed people were using too many different platforms to share terrible investment advice," explains Pump.fun's Head of Community. "Now you can DM your favorite exit scammer directly, join group chats named 'definitely-not-a-pump-group', and watch your shared portfolios evaporate together."
The chat feature has already spawned thousands of groups with names like 'Moon Waiting Room' and 'Diamond Hands Anonymous.' Early adopters praise its convenience, with one user noting, "Before, I had to switch between Telegram and Discord to lose money. Now I can coordinate all my bad decisions in one place."
Premium subscribers gain access to exclusive chat groups and the ability to create token-gated channels. "I made a support group that only accepts holders of my failed token," shared an enthusiastic project founder. "Ironically, membership grew faster after the price crashed. Now that's what I call community building!"
EXIT METRICS:
- Active Group Chats: 47,392
- Average WAGMI Messages: 831/min
- Shared Loss Porn: $420M
- Token Shills Per Second: ∞
CRYPTO WEATHER
Bitcoin: STORMY
$81,900 (-1.73%)
Ethereum: RAINY
$1,889 (+0.73%)
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24/7 trading, 0% fees (because we take care of that for you).
Not financial advice, but definitely financial entertainment.
CZ to Trump: 'I Can't Pardon You, Bro'
After rumors surfaced that Binance's ex-CEO Changpeng Zhao (CZ) discussed a possible investment-for-pardon deal with Donald Trump, the crypto billionaire clarified, "I'd love to help, but I'm not a U.S. president… yet."
Anonymous sources claim CZ is considering launching a Decentralized Pardon Protocol (DPP) on Base, where token holders can vote to "un-rug" convicted crypto founders. Trump's campaign has not commented, though insiders suggest he is preparing an NFT collection titled Get Out of Jail Free: The Onchain Edition.
Dogecoin Flat, Cat Coins Pump – Is the Meme Market Going Fully Feline?
Dogecoin holders are in distress as Solana-based cat coins claw their way to the top. An anonymous trader confessed, "I had to swap my DOGE for MEOW. It felt like betraying a childhood friend for a younger, cuter influencer."
Analysts predict DOGE might launch Shiba Inu 2.0—now with ears that resemble a Solana logo—to regain market share. Elon Musk, when asked for a comment, only posted a single emoji: 🐶💀.
Ripple Expands to the Middle East, Promises 'Even Faster Ways to Lose Your Money'
Ripple just got the green light from the Dubai Financial Services Authority, marking its latest attempt to prove that XRP is still a thing. A spokesperson confidently stated, "This is a game-changer… mostly for our marketing department."
To celebrate, Ripple is launching XRP Jet Lag™, a new service that lets users send funds across time zones before they even realize they've been scammed. Key features include:
• Lightning-Speed Remittances – Blink, and your money's gone.
• VIP Investor Club – Exclusive perks for people who still believe XRP will hit $10.
• Automatic Market Dumping – So you never have to wonder "What happened to my gains?"
While skeptics claim Ripple's "global expansion strategy" is just a fancy way of saying "we need new bagholders," insiders insist this is the company's most ambitious PR stunt since claiming 'XRP is not a security.'
POV: Trying to spot the difference between two tokens that forked the same code and changed nothing but the name
Market Update: Temporarily Suspended
We've temporarily suspended our market updates because everything we write becomes incorrect within 5 minutes. Our last three predictions were so wrong, we're convinced the market is reading our newsletter just to do the opposite. Check back next week when we try using a Magic 8-Ball instead.
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CHATCOIN: The Token That Shouldn't Exist, But Does Anyway
Launched in the middle of a pump.fun chat argument.
No devs, no roadmap, just pure conviction.
Liquidity? Who needs it when you have copium?
Utility? The vibes are utility.
Whitepaper? Pinned messages count, right?
Not financial advice, but at this point, does that even matter?
Fresh takes, five days a week.
We publish every weekday, because the Web3 circus never sleeps. Missed an issue? Too bad—only available on Zora, where the past is tokenized.
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