ZOURNAL
Onchain news. 100% true, 0% serious. Coined on Zora, because headlines deserve to be onchain.
Pump.fun Ditches Raydium and Builds Its Own DEX – Because Why Not Burn It All Down?
After realizing that letting Raydium handle swaps was basically outsourcing the fun (and the fees), Pump.fun has now gone full DIY. That's right—they've built their own decentralized exchange, so you can now launch, trade, and inevitably regret your coin purchases without ever leaving the platform.
"It just made sense," said a totally legitimate Pump.fun engineer, while setting fire to an old NFT collection in the background. "We wanted our traders to experience the full cycle of emotional devastation in one place."
The new DEX promises to streamline the process of: Minting tokens with names like $TOENAIL or $FREEHUGZ Watching them spike for 12 seconds Then heroically plummet while everyone blames each other Community reactions have been very insightful: "This is the future. Of something." "All my coins are now zero, but it's OUR zero." "Does this mean I'm a VC now?"
"We're not just building a DEX. We're building vibes," said @0xNoSleep, Head of Chaos Engineering at Pump.fun.
Meanwhile, Raydium is now reportedly pivoting to wellness, offering yoga for liquidity providers and journaling prompts for DEXs that feel abandoned.
PUMP.FUN STATS:
- Tokens Created: ∞
- Average Token Lifespan: 4.20 mins
- Emotional Damage: Maximum
- Vibes Status: Immaculate
CRYPTO WEATHER
Bitcoin: CLOUDY
$84,600 (-0.84%)
Ethereum: CLOUDY
$1,986 (-1.67%)
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North Korea Becomes Third-Largest Bitcoin Holder, Declares Itself Crypto Influencer
In a shocking but totally on-brand twist, North Korea has officially surpassed most crypto whales—not through mining, investing, or innovation… but through high-stakes Ctrl+C + Ctrl+V.
The Lazarus Group, which apparently skipped "ETH Denver" and went straight to "hack everything that moves," has now collected nearly a billion dollars in stolen Bitcoin. According to sources, they've already started offering Telegram trading signals and are dropping a Solana meme coin next week.
"We were tired of watching American influencers get rich off JPEGs," said a masked Lazarus spokesperson with laser eyes on Zoom. "So we just… did crypto. But, like, our way."
Crypto Twitter is stunned:
"Imagine getting out-traded by North Korea."
"They're technically early adopters now?"
"When is their airdrop?"
Insiders claim the BTC stash may be used for missile development, or possibly to buy the dip on Pepe. Either way, they now have more coins than your favorite influencer—without ever having to post a thread or sell a course.
Meanwhile, the U.S. is considering countermeasures, like printing more money and posting sad eagle memes.
Bitcoin Hits $86K, Then Immediately Trips Over Its Own Shoelaces
In what analysts are calling a "classic case of main character syndrome," Bitcoin shot up to $86K for like five minutes, then dramatically collapsed onto the floor like it forgot how to walk.
Jerome Powell gave a speech full of vague optimism, and the market—desperate for validation—lost its mind. Bitcoin soared, tweets flew, influencers rebranded to laser-eyed alpha kings… and then the candle turned red. Very red.
"Number went up, and then… number went down?" said one confused trader. "I didn't know that could happen."
Highlights from the crypto trenches:
A guy sold his car at $86K. He is now Googling "bike-friendly cities."
One influencer tweeted "BITCOIN IS INEVITABLE" at 85.9K, then quietly deleted it an hour later.
Reddit is already blaming Janet Yellen, mercury retrograde, and NFTs.
"We just wanted to see how it felt up there," said Bitcoin, in a leaked Discord message. "It was cold. And lonely."
Conspiracy theories are flying:
Some say this was a whale trap. Others blame ETFs. But most agree it's just Bitcoin doing Bitcoin things. Emotionally unstable, highly reactive, and somehow still everyone's favorite investment.
Kraken Buys NinjaTrader for $1.5B, Enters Its Wall Street Degen Era
Kraken just spent $1.5B to unlock the ultimate trading experience: one where you can YOLO long Bitcoin, short the S&P, and make emotional decisions on crude oil — all in one place.
"Now our users can lose money faster, across more markets," said Kraken's Chief of Multi-Asset Misery.
With this move, Kraken becomes your one-stop shop for cross-asset chaos. Forget diversification. This is liquidation in HD.
Trader reactions:
"Finally, I can underperform in both crypto and TradFi."
"Does this mean I can buy corn futures with PepeCoin?"
"When you realize your 'foolproof' trading strategy was actually written in crayon by your neighbor's goldfish"
Market Update: Temporarily Suspended
We've temporarily suspended our market updates because everything we write becomes incorrect within 5 minutes. Our last three predictions were so wrong, we're convinced the market is reading our newsletter just to do the opposite. Check back next week when we try using a Magic 8-Ball instead.
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